1. Dead.
2. Abroad.
3. An ex-blogger.
4. So enormously bloated from the amount of food I’ve eaten that my fingers are so swollen I can’t actually type or use a mouse.
5. Permanently drunk.
6. Permanently absent from here.
Just to reassure/threaten you. 
whew, oh good! was wondering what you were up to lately!
happy new year Mike!