Blogging Masterclass – Your Questions Answered, Awesomely

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Like any multi-talented charismatic millionaire entrepreneur philanthropist social media guru, I get a lot of mail. Obviously I can’t answer it all – I delete nine-tenths of it at random to eliminate the naturally unlucky people (pro tip: don’t work with genetically predisposed losers) – but I feel it’s important for the world that I answer the really important ones – ie. the ones I’m interested in.

Here, then, is a selection of questions from the masses, with my unscripted, free-awesomizing answers. I know you’ll find them useful.

Question:

What is SEO and how can I get some?

Awesome Answer:

SEO is a natural force that is attracted to awesomeness. Unfortunately you either have it or you don’t. It can’t be acquired, you can’t fake it and you can’t buy it (although there are techniques that help you make the most of what you have – see my Masterclass course Unleash Your Natural SEO Already). If you weren’t born with some form of SEO, even I can’t help you, and you’re probably going to end up doing something boring and underpaid like being a doctor or a scientist. Face up to this now and get out of the fast lane, because awesome is coming through.

I was born with a lot of natural SEO, and I’m man enough to admit it. (Don’t ask me how I know this: asking is a sign you don’t have natural SEO. Don’t go there). It’s really difficult to explain what SEO is, and since my business philosophy is simplifying things, I’m not going to even try. Just know that it’s important and if you’re successful on social media, you ooze SEO. That’s what it is: the slime of success. Everywhere you go online, mark your territory with a sticky, sticky trail of SEO. It’s important.

Question:

What plugins do you recommend for WordPress?

Awesome Answer:

Firstly, I never recommend anything – I TELL. Recommendations are for insecure, yoghurt-eating amateurs who lack a backbone and can’t bring themselves to take their opinions to the next level. And I’m telling you this. Right? Right.

So, the first plugin you need is one that removes all comments. You may have heard it said that blogging is all about discussion. This is completely wrong. Discussion dilutes the conversation down to the average IQ/SEO level of everyone commenting, and when you’re blogging in the top 0.0001% of the top 1% of people, every single comment is going to bring your blog down. The opinions of other people will foul your nest. Keep it clean.

The other reason why comments are a bad idea is that they foster the implication that you’re willing to devote any portion of your time to people without them paying you upfront. This is dangerous for your business and can easily be taken advantage of, especially by friends and relatives (ie. people who should know better). Shut them DOWN.

The second plugin you need is the Fevered Mutterings SEO Horn. When activated, this plugin takes your natural SEO and amplifies it across the Internet, like the sound coming out of a tuba. Just let it run, don’t worry about what it does, and pay me regularly. It’s that simple.

The last plugin I’m telling you that you need to get is really amazing and will improve your blogging a minimum of 10,000% – and the amazing thing is that it’s FREE.

And if you become a subscriber to my blog (currently 50% off for the week), I’ll tell you what it is. Do we have a deal? Of course we do. Stop making excuses and get your credit card ready.

Question:

What’s the best way to travel?

Awesome Answer:

My personal preference is to go for an authentic experience – one that is close to the ground and in among the people.

For this reason, I like to stick with the Bombardier Learjet  85, and insist we never fly higher than 10,000 feet. The ’85 has a service ceiling of 49,000 ft, and I’m always getting flak from environmentalists because they think higher means more fuel-efficient, but look – when you’re climbing the stairs and you stop halfway, you’re less tired, right? And that means you’ve used less energy. This is the problem with scientists, they’re big on numbers and low on common sense. Scientists don’t have a lot of natural SEO. Sometimes I feel bad for them, but not that often.

When my Learjet is being refuelled (it gets refuelled a lot – those things really suck gas) I enjoy being carried around on a litter. I had mine specially made by Apple (the iLitter) and it has everything I need, including blacked-out windows, which are important when you’re as famous as I am, plus, I see enough of the world as it is. I particularly love to stay in my litter and watch the National Geographic channel as I’m being carried between destinations. Gives me a deep connection with the amazing world I live in.

If you buy an iLitter (follow the affiliate link in my sidebar), you can feel as spiritual as that, plus, you never have to smell other people. (I’ve recently had my litter adjusted so it fits in my LearJet so I don’t have to smell the pilot. That’s pretty advanced awesomeness, you don’t have to go that far).

Well, that’s enough for this week – I have a date with destiny. If destiny was a lapdancer! Hahaha! Ahh.

Sign up for my courses – that’s an order.

Image: Valerie Everett