(Disclaimer: this is 100% fiction). 
From: Human Resources
To: Mike S.
Subject: Cutbacks
Hi Mike,
Hope you’re feeling great today on this fine March 13th 2010 day.
Mike, you know we treasure your contribution to the business. To us, you’re so far beyond price that you’ve actually become valueless, which is something of a problem.
Therefore, it’s with deep regret that we have to inform you that after careful discussion with everyone, we’ve decided to have you destroyed to save the business some money.
I’m sure you’re aware of the current economic climate and how it’s affecting everyone and particularly yourself, as you’ll see from your own recent disproportionate paycuts. I hope our latest decision goes some way to addressing your increasingly irate letters regarding the former, and illustrates that we’ve been thinking long and hard about what you’ve said and the manner in which you said it. This is our decision on the matter. While being neither fair nor humane, we feel it compensates by being final.
The matter of your termination is one which is causing a certain amount of discussion. A number of people (mainly the ones you’ve directly worked with) are asking if a firing squad is appropriate, staffed by volunteers. We have discounted this idea as it seems rather extreme – our budget is limited and I’m sure you’d hate to spend your last moments pondering the impact of your expensive departure on the company’s Friday cake fund.
Further discussion on this matter will take place on Thursday in the office canteen as part of the monthly Team Brief. If you have any suggestions of your own, please contact Tom and he’ll decide whether they are suitable for inclusion on the agenda (although please note that all agenda inclusions should reach him by the 10th, so bearing in mind today’s date, your suggestions may have to be dealt with during next month’s meeting).
I hope you take solace in the fact that this wasn’t easy for us to decide since we hardly know you – so the decision was undertaken by your line manager and colleagues, who apparently found it a no-brainer.
Best wishes for the future,
John (Human Resources).
**********
From: Human Resources
To: Mike S.
Subject: Feedback
Hi again Mike,
I’m wondering if you’d be so kind as to fill our the attached feedback questionnaire regarding your execution.
Obviously you’d find it difficult to fill this out afterwards, so if you could give a broad stab at the answers (which reminds me, you’re going to be bayonetted), that would be really helpful. I know these questionnaires are a pain to fill in, but they’re an important part of the business, for example, they give temps something to photocopy.
Thanks, Mike. We’ll miss you.
John (Human Resources)
Attachment: Death By <n> Feedback Q’aire EXCU-0010.doc
**********
From: Human Resources
To: Mike S.
Subject: Nominations
Hi Mike,
One last thing I need to run through (if you’ll pardon that phrase, all things considered).
As part of your termination clause as stated in your contract – please find your contact attached as a PDF, I’ve highlighted the relevant areas – it is required of you to nominate two people for execution, just in case we find ourselves in these kind of self-imposed financial straits sometime in the future and need another fatted calf, as it were (that’s not a reference to your recent massive weight gain, it’s just a phrase).
Due to potential bias, we have to stipulate the following conditions for nomination:
- the nominee cannot be someone senior to you.
- the nominee cannot be someone you have made an official complaint about, or vice versa. This also extends to people that verifiably you don’t like, or people who verifiably don’t like you. We have CCTV footage of your movements around the office and the canteen for the last 6 months, for uses of verification.
- the nominee cannot be someone you pick at random, as this is arbitrary and cruel.
Therefore we suggest either…(a) someone you have a friendship or relationship with at work – perhaps an ex or current girlfriend…or (b) a friend or family member outside work.
For reasons of confidentiality we cannot allow you to contact them to inform them of your nomination and the reasons behind it, but rest assured, when you are gone we will announce their names in the company newsletter and cite your role in picking them.
Thanks again, Mike.
Have a nice week (well, half-week, bearing in mind Friday’s the Big Day).
John (Human Resources).
Attachment: “You Are The Weakest Link” References WLINK-00151/ad.doc
Image: CarbonNYC
I’m confused, but if this a humorous adaptation of what is actually happening I have a couple of things to say:
1. Bad luck, although they sound like a$$holes so perhaps it will be a good thing in the long run.
2. Redundancy has to be, by law, an arbitrary process where the individual role is redundant or over-filled with staff rather a person selected for personal reasons. If you can demonstrate bias based on personal animosity towards you or that you was selected as a result of complaints against salary reduction (which could be viewed as part of the redundancy process) then you almost certainly have a claim for wrongful dismissal. You might like to know that the majority of industrial tribunal cases are settled in favour of the claimant – in this case you – or proceed to full proceedings where the claimant wins. I have personally been an “expert witness” at two cases; one won the case despite being correctly dismissed (and entered in the records as so) and the other was settled despite being convicted of fraud against the employer and correctly dismissed.
DO NOT sign any forms or provide feedback data – this is to ensure that they can prove at tribunal that you were happy and agreed to the dismissal. DO NOT select someone else for dismissal as anyone you select who can be shown to be in a similar position, attitude to work or personal circumstances can be used against you to demonstrate that it was fair to let you go “after all, you select X and they are just the same as you in every way so it must be fair”.
Compensation for illegal redundancy is mandated by law and is generous. You could end up being paid by your former employer whilst you job hunt, plus a lump sum in compensation and if you get a lower paid job they may have to pay the difference between your old and new salaries for a period of time.
Keep all pieces of paper you have given and make contemporaneous notes of conversations and so on. If in doubt get professional advice.
Companies ‘struggling’ does not mean they can abuse your rights, especially if they are using it as an excuse to get rid of someone they don’t like rather than someone they don’t need. UK employment law is one of the fairest in world – for the employee. Use it.
Good luck!
Absolutely no need to worry. I’m not referring to my current job in any way, neither am I staring termination (literal or otherwise) in the face, or anticipating doing so.
The real motivation is that last night I watched an episode of The Office where Dwight was being *particularly* moronic, and it crept into my brain today and made a fuss until I turned it into something creative, ie. incomprehensible.
But good advice, that. Ta.
Ahhhhh, I see!
Heh, I have written HR software for 13+ years so I’ve had to stare down the barrel of various employment laws for quite some time now and I can never resist pulling on my shining armour and dusting off my horse.
I salute you, good sir knight. *places lance against forehead*
Reading it again, that’s damn good advice. And since I now know it’s first-hand, front-line advice, I’m filing it away somewhere marked Useful. Ta.
Somebody won a redundancy case *despite being correctly dismissed*? Blimey. I take it that the court drew some kind of line between “correctly” and “fairly” here, then?
Ha. Mr B, you have succeeded in making me feel extremely guilty. It didn’t even occur to me that this might be an allegory for real-life events. I’m not sure if that has more to say about Mike’s talent for writing about the absurd, or for my own hard-heartedness …
*sobbing bitterly*
Either I’m a fool, or I’m not worth a grain of sympathy?
*more bawling*
etc.
Oh gawd. I’m RUBBISH at this kind of thing.
*hands hanky*
*pats Mike gingerly on shoulder*
Chin up, old thing. Could be worse – you could be being executed on Friday.
Oh …
Heehee, I particularly appreciated the spectacular bad taste of the puns, “run through this again”, “take a stab at”… Well done, man, well done.
Which reminds me, I owe you email, music, and Xena dvds (yes, I’ve just outed you as a fan on your own blog… bite that, Brit boy)
What Chelonian doesn’t realise is that there’s not shame in being a Xena fan. Or dancing in pink leggings to “Hey Mickey” when your housemates are out.
This is funny-scary-true. You should write your own TV show.