My mum has a dog like Nightcrawler.
(Not physically, as you can see).
Here’s why, then. I’m back in York now, but I’ve been at my mum’s home for the past week, looking after her and her pack of mutts while she recovered from a small operation (fully successful). During that time I’ve been gritting my teeth and wandering out into Hornsea itself, braving the rocket-propelled grenades, militarized agricultural machinery and lingering pockets of radiation. Imagine an urban expression of a swinging saloon door during a fight in a Western – that’s what it’s like.
I wandered down the sea front, marveling how Pastimes Amusements (known colloquially as Mugsy’s) is derelict, with a sign on the front saying “We’ve moved to Regal Amusements” – which also turns out to be derelict. Keeping my guns where everyone could see them I strolled along the beach, the sweet sea air thinning the ever-present fog of cordite, burnt rubber and pipe-smoke. Far out to sea, a huge tanker lay moored under the baking sun, probably filled with police in riot gear. In short, Hornsea hasn’t changed much.
What has changed is my mum’s dog, Charlie. Once he was a wee puppy, little more than a straggly ball of yapping fur. Now he’s Nightcrawler.
Now, as any fool knows and as I’ve just had to go and find out, Nightcrawler can teleport himself over a distance of many miles, accompanied by a noise like a Scottish town. Charlie does something similar: when he sees another dog in the distance, he immediately vanishes with a “WUFFFMF!” sound and appears a hundred metres down the beach, moving away at a significant fraction of the speed of light. It’s unnerving.
So here’s the thing: how can you keep control of a dog that can teleport?
All suggestions greatly appreciated.
Explosive collars
That would work, yes.
Also – all PETA hatemail to:
Jimbo
c/o Fevered Mutterings.
Thanks.
I knew I should have spent more time watching Star Trek and less time watching Gok Wan.
I can’t tell you how to stop Charlie teleporting but I do know he’d look fabulous in an empire line dress to balance out that troublesome hip area. Oh Charlie, the torture of being an apple shape.
I’ll pass that along. Charlie has been feeling self-conscious about the way he runs – any suggestions?
Although I’m sure you will be awed and grateful to discover that there are indeed crossovers between geek and Gok.
Also, all fashion-related mail to:
Kay
c/o Fevered Mutterings.
Thanks.
Ha, fantastic! Although now I’m worried that when I wear black I’m failing to trick people into thinking I’m slimmer and instead “indicating my evil intentions.” I HATE it when people figure out that I am Satan’s spawn.
My running advice for Charle is this … don’t run. It looks unsightly. Instead, burn those calories by eating copious amounts of celery whilst watching Lassie. That way you’ll stay trim and learn how to go for help when people fall down that hole on Hornsea beach.
It’s true, scifi bad guys always look the best. And the good guys look vaguely dorky. Compare Luke Skywalker (shapeless shell-suit of cotton, Lego brick belt, beige tights) with Darth Vader (Fashionable Death Incarnate, albeit with a black bucket on his head).
However, when people are Bad in scifi – eg. in alternate universes, which scifi characters are *always* falling into – they have an unfortunate penchant for black leather. This makes the future look like a cross between Blake’s 7 and Boon.
This is not a good thing.
If you are Satan’s Spawn, then you are admirably equipped to deal with the very worst that Hull could throw at you.
Well, maybe.
If you keep him on a leash, won’t you teleport with him? Might be kind of fun.
Yes, but….
I refer to fantasy satirist Terry Pratchett here. He refers to the magical Seven League Boots, which seem like a fabulous and wonderful idea…until you realise that the principle is that you instantly transport one of your feet 21 miles in front of the other one. Suddenly, it doesn’t sound quite as sensible as you first thought.
Same with this idea, I reckon.
It’s possibly you might see your arm appear in mid-air, 100 metres away.
Everyone, please address your scientific theories of this phenomenon to:
Belle
c/o Fevered Mutterings.
Ta.
Well, it depends what type of teleport system he’s using; I mean, it’s not like there’s just ONE way to teleport, ha ha ha *laughs at laypeople’s naiveté*
Anyway the literature suggests that for most popular teleport systems (excluding quantum of course — anything quantum always has to be soooo special), a rather basic electromagnetic shield will do. In a pinch you could probably pick up a portable doggie-sized Faraday suit (like a wetsuit but made of nanostring wire mesh) at your local pet store, slap a couple of batteries on the sucker and wham, no more zipping around through spacetime for Charlie.
Charlie has passed along his concern about his caninomorphic field being disrupted by the proximity of a nanostring matrix, and the possibility of a catastrophic multi-phasic electrosubdermal feedback event.
(He reads a lot).
In laydog’s terms, he says, he’s afraid of exploding.
Any suggestions on maintaining his structural integrity? Would it help if, for example, he had a manky old bone in his mouth?
sign him up for dog racing. seriously. i’m SURE it’s a lucrative business.
you’d making a killing.
Alas. From what I understand of it, racing means a dog going in the direction you wish him or her to go in.
For this, Charlie is 100% underqualified.