You know, I think I would get a tattoo one day. (And thank you for asking). It would be a small one, placed somewhere off the beaten track, yet somewhere dignified.
In a thrall of gut-wrenched horror, I added this to the Stumbleupon review page:
Seeing these makes me want to burn down the world and usher in a new age of ignorance and darkness.
Anyone thinking of having a tattoo: if you use a photograph, you turn even the most fluffily angelic loved one into a first draft of Herman Munster. It is impossible to make anyone look good. Use the following mental exercise: put “zombie” in front of their name and then imagine it. For example, if it’s Aunt Agatha you’re indelibly daubing onto your arm, imagine it’s Zombie Aunt Agatha. See? That’s how it works.
If in doubt, use henna first. Aunt Agatha will thank you, and probably keep you in her will.
There’s also the degree to which most tattoos are planned in advance, which is of course ‘not at all’. Just as a British kebab changes from a clastic lump of glistening offal (shaved roadkill, if you like ) into something desirable when you’re fuzzy with beer, appalling tattoo designs are transformed into Yes, That’s Exactly What I Want On My Face / Currently Distended Stomach / Ass.
At least, that’s the explanation I’m happy with. I refuse to acknowledge this level of idiocy manifest in my own species. (At the very least, when asked, I expect them to lie, eg. “oh man, I was so completely wasted, which is why I need the loan to have ‘Darth Maul vs. Thora Hird On Ice’ lasered off my face”, and then live with the shame in private for the good of global sanity).
But I’m still fascinated by tattoos. They can look good. Sometimes, not so much, but here and there I’ve seen subtle, understated ink that makes my toes wiggle. We’re talking very small but very distinguished here, on places that you can keep toned up so it doesn’t get stretched and saggy.
So I’d still get a tatoo.
With a few caveats.
1) 6 month planning in advance.
2) So much coffee in my bloodstream that I’m deeply, ear-buzzingly knurd.
3) A signed testimony from 20 friends that I was in my right mind and that they either agreed with or respected my soundness of judgement.
Am I missing the point?
Image: niemster
