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Nobody Expects The Orkney Haar

Surely my eyes have blown a fuse. The world is blank – not a hole (because holes are *in* something) but a total absence, a blackness filled with light.

Vertigo sweeps over me. And…that strange muddled sense of depth, like when you’re drifting off to sleep in a darkened room and suddenly you can’t tell if the ceiling is a million miles away or pressed against your face.

Fevered Mutterings Image - Haar, between Mainland Orkney and Westray - Mike Sowden

If I look down, the illusion is broken by the ship’s side-wake, curling outwards like scraped butter, but if I tilt my gaze so everything disappears from my peripheral vision, I’m floating once more. The view is a featureless aether lit by a coin of light wan enough to stare at. I drift, spiritually untethered, a sense of peace filling my entire….

…!!!!

Dear god.

Obviously. Obviously they would have…sounded the...fog-horn. Because we’re…in fog.

But…couldn’t they WARN us first?

Fevered Mutterings Image - Haar lifting, between Mainland Orkney and Westray - Mike Sowden

Suddenly the horizon is back, in the time it takes you to read this sentence.

Behind us, the ship’s wake appears and lengthens. Are we picking up speed? No – it’s the fog we’re emerging from, revealing the mark of our passage like a meteorological magic trick.

Fevered Mutterings Image - Wake of ship emerging from haar - Mike Sowden

Here in Orkney, a sea-fog or haar can descend at any time. In this case it’s in the middle of a sunny July day (2009).

This confuses me. Fog needs the kind of cool, damp air you’d find in Winter? But then I remembered the haar I met in August 2006 when I slept rough on the Orkney Mainland. Why fog in summer? The answer is wind, or rather a lack of it – during the Winter months, the incessant wind picks up enough to blow the fog away. It’s always around, developing wherever there’s a pronounced temperature difference between sea and sky …but Winter is more adept at moving it along, presumably to make room for some real weather.

Fevered Mutterings Image - Fog on Westray - Mike Sowden

A few days later, I emerge from my tent at Chalmersquoy on Westray after an afternoon nap to find everything smudged with haar. I watch (cursing at my camera’s inability to do it justice) as it rolls down from the hills and blankets the middle of Pierowall bay, a strip of cloud as discrete as a contrail – and as it dissipates, the buildings at the opposite side of the bay emerge, rising like the Golden Gate

Fevered Mutterings Image - Fog over Pierowall Bay, Westray - Mike Sowden

Images: Mike Sowden, 2009.

Megabus: No-Budget UK Travel (If You’re Tough Enough)

Megabustop, by Daquella manera - Flickr

I’m hollow-eyed and bleary today, and I haven’t had enough coffee. A little later I’ll be pootling round York, picking up travel essentials and converting my Brit money into Euros before jetting off to Austria tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow will be my second visit to London in 3 days, and yet again I’m using the train.

If you know what rail prices in this country are like, you might now be wincing. Yes, there are smart, effective ways to whittle your train fares down to something vaguely affordable, but even with forethought, research and expert haggling over the phone, there’s only so much you can do. And frankly, the amount you have to plan ahead is…irksome. I’ve taken the train from York to London, almost always exactly the same service, for prices ranging from £12 to £88, one-way (with returns anything from £28 to £infinity).

It’s a fickle, wearisome mess.

Yesterday, partly by bus and partly by train, I got to London and back for £10. (more…)

Balderdash! – Busting 5 Myths About England

Tre simboli di una Nazione, by painted23 - Flickr

Ah, England! The mist-shrouded Arthurian ruins, the rolling green hills dotted with sleepy hamlets, nuns on bikes free-wheeling over cattle grids, tankards of warm beer, castles and orchards, jodhpurs and shooting-sticks, where monocles legally replace spectacles and more than two people will automatically form a queue, where everything is quaint and quintessential and steeped and…

On and on.

Planning a first-time trip to England soon? It’s possibly you’ve been told things about the place. Silly things. Things that will mislead and ultimately disillusion you. And that’s no fun at all. So in the interests of having an exciting and fascinating holiday in a truly exciting and fascinating country, let’s burst a few bubbles here. (more…)

York (1): Those Revolting Northerners

Roman Tortoise, by ~Duncan~ (Flickr)

It’s AD 70, and the North is in revolt. (more…)

Commercial Travel Needs Attention-Seeking Idiots

If you’ve recently flown on a certain Cebu Pacific service, you’ll remember the air safety demonstration.

And how many flights can you say that about?

What first struck me about this was how hot the stewardess nearest the camera is how much fun the cabin crew are obviously having. And you can’t see the passengers’ faces, but presumably they’re enjoying a mixture of admiration and mortified bemusement. (British passengers, mainly the latter- we’re like that).

There’s nobody there who is unaware that a safety demonstration is going on.

Clever, that.

Why should the routines of commercial travel be dull? Why should opportunities be missed for grabbing attention, for getting people interested?

Here’s a silly yet maybe-not-quite-so example I’ve come up with myself. You’re on the Eurostar, and you cross the French border: 30 seconds of accordion music later, everyone is being handed a croissant. Or let’s say you’re coming back, and it’s Land Of Hope And Glory and an Eccles cake.

Daft? Yes, of course. Pointless? You’re now The Eurostar Service With the Croissants / Eccles Cakes. You’ve got the attention of your passengers. You could do something with that. Couldn’t you?

There’s another opportunity here. As a commercial travel operator, you tailor your daftness to your own culture. Play up to your national stereotypes a bit, gently poke a little fun at your own country – and make people aware that yes, they are entering a different culture. Make them glad they’re here before they’ve even arrived. Tickle them, and in doing so, pique their interest. We’re talking about first impressions here, and they will have commercial repercussions – grumpy, travel-dulled passengers aren’t going to linger on their way to their hotel or their onward connection. Make them feel welcome, and they’ll pay more attention to what you have to offer. Surely?

When you’re travelling, have you ever felt won over by the littlest, daftest thing?

Image: Koluso

A Scilly Swim (But Not Yet)

Tresco by Tom Corser

The approaching shoreline is an arresting one. A few yards up the cream-coloured beach it’s England – well-kept hedgerows, chalk-dust paths, everything with that tamed look so welcoming to Anglophiles. Except this is the Atlantic. All around, the UK continental shelf is having one last fling with the open air – a scatter of low granite islands, nibbled inwards with half-circles of white beach as if the place was drafted with a pair of compasses. There’s so much sky it gives me a kind of reverse vertigo…

But I’m not looking upwards. I’m looking down.

When can we go swimming, Dad? (more…)

You Can’t Live On Rockall (But Still We Keep Trying)

Choppy Seas - Orkney: Mike Sowden / Mikeachim, 2009

Let’s take an imaginary journey to the British Empire’s last territorial acquisition.

Hang onto your hat: it could get rough. (more…)

Thanks for Failing, Doctor Beeching

HDR

The bend widens out, and before me lies a toy train platform, built lifesized.

I crunch up, moving from a path of gravel ballast onto sloping wooden planking. Before and behind me, the rails curve lazily away through the narrow valley, high escarpments on either side pressing inwards and making a sweaty day even closer. Barring the steel lines set ablaze by the sunshine it’s a natural-looking landscape – into which Newton Dale Halt has been dropped like a shoddy special effect.

On either end of the wooden stop there are inward-facing signs, both unreadable as I approached along the trackside path. Upon making the top of the platform, I discover they say “Danger: Do Not Walk Along The Trackside Path”. Great. Cursing my knack for finding turnings where none exist, I unshoulder my rucksack and sit down on the moss-greased planking.

Silence falls, roaring in my ears as I strain to hear the approach of a train returned from the dead.

(more…)

Soft and Prickly: Our Fickle Love Of The Countryside

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When it comes to the British countryside, we don’t know which way to turn.

In the 17th Century it was something we feared – a chaotic, violent place where Nature, red in tooth & claw, vied for a taste of your blood with bandits, highwaymen, smugglers, murderers and the clinically befuddled. Mention the countryside to Thomas Hardy and he would flinch, mutter something about accursed heaths and reach for a quill. One did not tarry long abroad after dark.

Two centuries later, we can’t get enough of it. Red has turned to green. We yearn for slightly (only slightly) overgrown hedgerows and the susurration of sunlit leaves overhead. We salivate over delightfully quaint villages embedded in the side of hills like raisins in a plum duff. We long to hear someone say “ooh arrr”. Warm beer, nuns on bikes, little stone bridges only negotiable if you turn sideways-on. Grassy meadows – as if, left to her own devices, Mother Earth would render the whole world suitable for cricket with the minimum of tending. In short, a primal yet civilized refuge from the dull churning of modern life.

Neither view is correct or even fair, but that’s not the point.

(more…)

What Is A Staycation?

As the leaves turn golden and Christmas approaches, our thoughts naturally turn to what truly sucked about 2009.

Top of my list? “Staycations”.

SaleveandRelax

Oh, you horrible, horrible word – a wretched portmanteau of “stay” and “vacation” (and perhaps a silent “bullshit”).

British media coverage has been intense. Every newspaper, every radio presenter – such as this one – and every inch of travel-themed newsprint seemed obsessed with it. I think I understand why. You know when you wake up in the morning and there’s a song lodged in your head, and it stays there all day – and you loathed it to start with? This is what happened with ‘staycation’ in the Great British Media Consciousness this summer.

And not just in the UK. You can’t blame us – it all started abroad, well before 2009. My fave online travel read World Hum charted an arc from pioneering fascination to a premature obituary and lately to weary resignation. Staycation. It lingers, like a persistent grease-spot or a kippery smell coming from the carpet. It’s unstoppable. We pump round after round into it, and it just keeps coming.

But…what is it?

At the height of the summer madness, the Times Online noted that because of the recession, Brits were staying within Britain for their hols – day-trips, weekends away, or gallivanting around in a camper-van. You stay in the UK, but you travel. The Guardian agreed.

Meanwhile, the Telegraph was defining it as staying in your own home – putting your feet up, ordering pizza, catching up on Lovefilm DVDs, and attemping Do-It-Yourself that resulted in a couple of grand being knocked off the value of your house. In other words, “a luxurious time in your own home”. I recently listened to BBC Radio 2′s Jeremy Vine take a similar tack.

So which is it?

Yorkshire Dales

I’m all for exploring your home country, your home county, your home town. I hardly know York, and now my nomadic plans are starting to crystallize, I’m going to undertake a protracted written goodbye to this city that has housed me for a decade, with articles for fun in here, and other, better articles pitched at paying markets. I’ll thoroughly explore York – and part of that will be staying elsewhere in York, in bed & breakfasts, hotels, campsites, you name it. (This appeals to me greatly, being an idea both adventurous and faintly stupid).

Britain is a wondrous place, I hear. I can’t confirm that, because like 99.9% of the population, I don’t know it very well as a whole. I’ve been here, I’ve been there, but on average I’ve missed out absolutely everything there is to see. I could spend the rest of my life traveling around the UK.

HebdenBridgeRailway

Just as long as I’m traveling.

Staying at home is not traveling. Staying in your own home, no matter where you go for the day, is not the same experience as being truly Elsewhere. Home is a mass of habits, complacencies, commitments and interruptions, and when you stay at home, these suck you right back into the everyday world you long to escape from.

Travel is escapism – maybe even escapology. When you’re at home, there is no escape.

If a staycation is about traveling around, I like the idea (hate the word; like the idea).

If it is about staying at home – please let it die.

Images: mondopiccolo and Mike Sowden.
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