I’d like to say “For the last few weeks, Firefox has been slow”. But I can’t.
I can’t because it conveys nothing of the magnitude of my struggle. It’s been epic. It’s been grim. It’s been like “Gandalf vs. Wolverine” directed by Cecil B DeMille, filmed in Swansea. You’re lucky you weren’t there. But I was.
Okay, just the facts.
For days now, the simplest right-click has turned into a spacetime-bending anomaly that has threatened to suck my laptop into the beyond. Opening up a tab turned from a handy convenience into a trigger for a kind of Centrino-fuelled Genesis Device, bursting outwards into my machine’s RAM like a digital airbag and sending the processor fan into frenzied bubbling shrieks. Within seconds, the whole machine was too hot to look at except askance. It burned my shadow into the dining room wall (quite a pretty effect: I’ll take photos).
A dull muffled groaning whine filled the air as the lines of force that bind our Universe together were pushed to breaking point – then, just before the Unseen Dimensions burst out in a flail of knuckly impossibilities, the tab opened and Firefox started calming down again.
After the first few times, this got a bit wearing on the old nerves.
So this evening, we fought, my laptop and I. It was…it was…
*goes away to have a little cry*
Well. It’s all too fresh, and I don’t really want to talk about it, except that it involved maggoty crops of ad.yieldmanagers and a big wet suppurating pop of MS Antivirus 2009 malware, spattered right across my C: drive. I hope I’m not making this sound pleasant in any way, because it really wasn’t. It was ugly as sin and excruciatingly painful to endure. It was Jar Jar Binks.
So anyway, skipping to the end. Eventually I unhorsed my foe and smote his ruin upon the mountainside.
I actually did this by running lots of antispyware programs, cleaning the registry, defragging C: and reinstalling my web-apps, but that’s denying the emotional reality of it all, and therefore a kind of Lie.
(And I hate Lies).
SmarterFox is a Firefox plugin that does many wondrous things. Get it.
Image: hongkiat
funny you should mention centrino and ram in virtually the same sentence. i have a very nice laptop here, 1.73ghz centrino pentium-m cpu and 2gb ram. it is for sale too, only £150 to you pal.
imagine that.
might have some games you are interested in too, if you have any hard disk space…………
Your powers are weak, old man.
Apart from the other day when you brought loads of games round and ruined my Actual Life yet again.
But apart from that – they’re WEAK. I laugh at them.